I desperately don’t want to be a bystander of life, but someone who takes hold of each moment, the good with the bad. (Lately it’s been more on the bad side.) I think our inner dreamer always wants that, to be a part of some bigger story and not to be so near sighted with our own despair, our own struggles.
There have been a couple times this month where I have indeed been fighting despair. I would find myself curled up on my couch (maybe in fetal position) warring against tears that would inevitably fall.
This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just move on? I’d do anything to get out of this time, this process. Why can’t there be a button that just turns off my feelings? The tears come. I stretch out my legs and throw a magazine over my face. My roommates will be back soon. Got to pretend to be normal.
Why do I always feel so alone? I need to find something to do. But I’m exhausted. Maybe I can just go to sleep.
Usually if you dream a lot, a lot of your happiness comes from the beautiful future you painted in your mind. I can deal with the painting changing colors or having different shapes then what I originally envisioned. What I’ve found I can’t deal with – a painting that starts caving in on itself, it really makes you question where your anchor is.
But part of working toward a dream is being professional no matter where your personal life is sucking.
I eye the clock. 6:28. I don’t understand how this day has been longer than 372 hours.
I have to call a client about a project in exactly two minutes. Pull it together Patty.
She picks up the phone, I hear a toddler crying in the background.
“I’m really excited for you to do this project.”
How could that one sentence make me feel eighty times lighter? We start to talk about her non profit she runs and her clients, who are young mothers usually in seemingly hopeless situations find resources they need. I start thinking about what stories are needed for the video.
I think about the pricing, and tone and colors and the scheduling of the video. My imagination starts to move at the thought of what story could be told to reach people.
I start to feel hopeful.
Dear dreamer, if you are struggling with depression or hopelessness or in a state of despair look for ways to create, a project to jump on, (even a coloring book can help with your mental state.) But in the bigger picture – don’t miss this – God can take your most broken situation and turn it into something beautifully constructed. He can take something like your present darkness, a memory that doesn’t paralyze you, rather catapults you into a bright future. Maybe I haven’t hit that bright future part yet, but in all fairness, I’m writing as I go.