I accept that the way You feel about me will never change.
Two years ago on June 6th I found myself writing these words. Up to this point I had a relationship with Jesus most of my life, but I was so very desperate for something deeper.
And because that last sentence sounds like every 90’s Christian song your mom blasted in her Honda minivan, let me just explain to you how elite of a Christian I was… I could run a small group, a big group, outreaches, mission trips, I was 90% attendance at church, superior tither, celibate as a nun (not by choice), children’s church teacher, frequently fasted, you name it – I could do it. But I always found myself exasperated saying things like, “SURELY GOD! there is so much more than this little town, there is so much more to me just nannying my life away, and doing all this church stuff!” There was this constant nagging at me for something more. It was driving me crazy! I was like, “I already know you Jesus, you’re in my life, I follow you, I do things for you. I get it – you love me … why do I still have to be in this town?”
And I slowly started to break because I realized what I wanted was not just a Jesus I knew lightly but a Jesus who knew every part of me. I wanted intimacy. And I wanted it from God. And I didn’t know if that was even a thing.
I would find myself saying, “I want to know you and I want to know that if I died and saw You right now, You would recognize the curve of my face and understand each time my voice breaks when I cry. Do you know my eyes? Do you know that I can’t wear certain shirts because my stomach rolls just explode out of them? Man you could have given me a more petite frame! And I don’t know if you even really know me.”
Have you ever felt like that? Like no one hears you or gets you or wants to understand you? And it’s not just you whining after a bad day at work, it’s like this perpetual thing on your heart where you just know there is something so much deeper that you can’t seem to experience?
So, on that 6th day of June I decided there was no looking back, I decided to quit questioning if Jesus knows me, but instead accepted and said I do. It took a lot of pushing away the voices that said He wasn’t there. But more so pushing away the voices that said He is only half way interested in me.
Do you have someone in your life who is more than half way interested in you? Do you have someone who understands why you always microwave food for 27 seconds instead of 30? Do you have someone who holds you when you turn away from their love?
You are going to face some very tough rejection, and push through some very agonizing monotony in the effort of chasing your dream. When you find that you are known in the deepest way for a human to be known, you have a foundation ready to face the world and whatever giants are against you.
You are deeply richly and wonderfully known, friends. Have you accepted that you are?